How can you stay true to your values, even in difficult situations?
In this episode of the Ikigai Podcast, Nick speaks with Ross White about the importance of psychological flexibility and how it helps us navigate and move forward through life’s challenges.
Podcast Highlights
- Treating emotions as messengers. Ross explains how he developed the acronym TEAM (Treat Emotions As Messengers).
- All about making choices. Ross talks about the video he created about making choices.
- Psychological flexibility. Ross explains what it means.
- Balancing of life. Ross explains how he used the metaphor of a tree to illustrate the idea of living a balanced and thriving life.
- Being focused on the ‘get mode’. Ross explains how people often become overly focused on the get mode.
- Linking the three modes to psychological flexibility. Ross explains how the three modes connect to and support psychological flexibility.
- Effects of technology on psychological flexibility. Ross discusses how technology may impact our ability to stay psychologically flexible.
- Understanding purpose. Ross shares his perspective on what purpose means.
- Ross’s ikigai. Ross shares what his ikigai is.
Ross White
Ross White is an award-winning clinical psychologist with expertise in supporting the mental health and wellbeing of adults working in high-performance environments. He has extensive experience working with elite-level athletes across rugby, football, athletics, and tennis, helping them cultivate resilience, manage pressure, and optimise performance. He is also the author of The Tree That Bends: How a Flexible Mind Can Help You Thrive, a guide to developing psychological flexibility in demanding situations.
Ross is a Professor of Clinical Psychology at Queen’s University Belfast and the founding director of Strive2Thrive, a clinical psychology training and consultancy organisation dedicated to empowering individuals and organisations to flourish.
Treating emotions as messengers
Ross explains that emotions—especially difficult ones like fear, sadness, anger, or frustration—carry important messages. Instead of trying to suppress or avoid them, we should view them as signals that something meaningful is happening.
His acronym TEAM stands for Treat Emotions As Messengers: recognize the emotion, understand what it’s pointing to, and ask, ‘What’s important now?’ By focusing on values and purpose, we can make intentional choices about how to move forward.
All about making choices
Every choice we make tends to go in one of two directions: toward our values or away from discomfort. Choosing to move toward our values means acting with qualities such as compassion, wisdom, or assertiveness and staying aligned with purpose. Choosing to avoid discomfort—like fear, doubt, or unease—may feel easier in the moment but pulls us away from value-driven action and from being true to ourselves.
Psychological flexibility
“Psychological flexibility is this idea of having difficult thoughts and feelings and still committing to doing what matters.” - Ross White
Ross defines psychological flexibility as the ability to experience difficult thoughts and emotions while still choosing actions that reflect one’s values and purpose. He uses the metaphor of a bending tree—based on a Tanzanian proverb, ‘The wind does not break the tree that bends’—to illustrate resilience.
In his model, the tree’s roots represent being anchored in the present moment, the trunk represents being willing to experience emotions and mental stories without avoidance, and the crown represents being empowered by purpose and values to take meaningful action. These three components—anchored, willing, and empowered—form the basis of psychological flexibility.
Balancing of life
Ross uses the metaphor of a tree to explain three modes of human motivation. In spring and summer, trees work hard to grow and produce energy—this represents our ‘get mode,’ when we set goals and strive toward achievement. Trees also invest energy in protecting themselves from threats like bugs and fungi—similar to our ‘threat mode,’ when we focus on avoiding danger or responding to stress, though humans can overreact to imagined threats.
Finally, in autumn and winter, trees enter a ‘reset mode’ to rest and restore themselves; humans also need intentional periods of rest, though this mode is often neglected in modern life. Ross concludes that psychological flexibility helps us move between these three modes—striving, surviving, and reviving—just as trees adapt throughout the seasons.
Being focused on the ‘get mode’
Ross explains that society often encourages people to stay in ‘get mode,’ the mindset of constant striving and achievement. Social media and cultural messages glorify productivity—waking up early, working harder, and pushing oneself—sometimes at the expense of personal well-being. This focus can lead people to feel inadequate, causing get mode to slip into ‘threat mode,’ where self-worth becomes tied to productivity and success.
To balance this, Ross emphasizes the importance of ‘reset mode,’ a state of rest and restoration. He offers two ways to activate reset mode:
- Momentary moves—small actions that help us reset in daily life, often through self-transcendent emotions:
- Compassion: extending kindness to others and ourselves, even when self-compassion feels difficult.
- Gratitude: acknowledging what we appreciate, either outwardly or in a journal.
- Wonder: connecting with nature or moments that make us feel part of something bigger.
- Bold moves—larger, intentional decisions to realign with personal values, such as taking a career break.
Ross concludes that shifting intentionally between get, threat, and reset modes supports long-term well-being and prevents overidentifying with constant productivity.
“I see self-compassion as this very active, courageous willingness to take care of oneself.” - Ross White
Linking the three modes to psychological flexibility
Psychological flexibility allows us to move between the three motivational modes—get, threat, and reset—based on what matters and what the situation requires. Without flexibility, people can become stuck in one mode, often because workplaces reward certain traits that don’t translate well to other areas of life. The goal is to adapt our mindset to the context we’re in.
Ross introduces a two-step reflective process:
Identify your current mode: Ask yourself which mode you are in (get, threat, or reset), what benefits it offers, what drawbacks it may have, and whether your current pace is sustainable. Ross uses a cycling metaphor—ideally, you want to be in the ‘maybe’ zone: working hard but still able to sustain your effort.
Apply psychological flexibility: Decide whether to stay in the current mode or shift to another one by using three skills—being anchored (grounded), willing (open to emotions and experiences), and empowered (taking purposeful action).
Overall, psychological flexibility is what enables us to choose the mode that best supports our values rather than reacting automatically.
Effects of technology on psychological flexibility
Our attention naturally needs to cycle—sometimes we need deep focus, and other times we need to rest and recharge. Technology, like social media or mobile games, can provide brief mental breaks, but we must stay aware of how our attention is being used. Ross emphasizes the importance of meta-awareness (awareness of our attention and mindset) so we can notice when we’ve become distracted and intentionally refocus.
To support psychological flexibility, Ross suggests building habits that keep us anchored in the present, such as mindfulness, meditation, and journaling. These practices work best when done proactively—not only when stress becomes overwhelming. By investing consistently in these practices, we strengthen our ability to stay centered, manage distractions, and make conscious choices about where to direct our attention.
“People who tend to journal seem to have more control over their lives and don’t equate success with purpose. They also tend to experience more success—they’re in control and very aware of what they want.” - Nicholas Kemp
Understanding purpose
Ross argues that purpose is not something we find but something we form. He believes that the idea of ‘finding purpose’ creates a sense of scarcity and pressure—as if purpose is missing until we discover it fully formed. This mindset can lead to frustration or disappointment when purpose doesn’t appear clearly or when challenges arise.
Instead, Ross suggests that purpose is something we create over time through experimentation, curiosity, and noticing what brings energy, enthusiasm, and vitality. Purpose can evolve, change, and even exist in multiple forms at once. Viewing purpose as something we form encourages growth, flexibility, and a sense of abundance, rather than waiting passively for a perfect revelation.
Ross’s ikigai
Ross explains that his ikigai is helping others reconnect with their own sense of purpose. He finds deep fulfillment in seeing clients ‘light up’ when they rediscover what matters to them, rather than pursuing goals they feel they should chase. Supporting people in returning to their authentic motivations is central to his professional calling.
He also shares personal activities that bring him meaning, including road cycling and spending time in nature, especially along Ireland’s Wild Atlantic Way. Cold-water swimming is one example where he practices psychological flexibility: despite the mind’s resistance and discomfort, he chooses to do it because it aligns with his values and brings him energy, connection, and a sense of reset.
Conclusion
In tough times, it’s easy to feel lost and lose sight of what truly matters. That’s why practicing psychological flexibility is so powerful—it helps you stay grounded in your values and keep moving forward, even when life tests your strength.