Ariadne Ferro on the Healing Power of Ikigai for ADHD

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What is it like to be diagnosed with ADHD?

Ariadnen, a certified ADHD coach, sheds light on her personal journey of discovering her ADHD diagnosis and subsequently delving into an extensive study of the disorder.

ADHD diagnosis

Nick: So you wrote that you never understood the strain in your interpersonal relationships due to your intense nature and perceived aloofness. And not only that, you're also frustrated and perplexed by your failure to live up to your professional potential despite the real talent you have.

And I've seen that real talent. And yeah, your best efforts and intentions. And then eventually you were diagnosed as an adult. So yeah, this must have been like a revelation like you had some sense, perhaps, that ‘I've got some issues, I'm not where I want to be in life.’ Is that how it sort of felt once you were diagnosed?

Ariadne: Actually, no. And I'll tell you why. Yes, that's how it should have felt. So I'm in my mid 40s now, I got diagnosed when I was in college, so that would have been just over 20 years ago. And when I was diagnosed, there still wasn't a lot of attention paid to it.

I had gone in for a different type of evaluation, and throughout, the psychiatrists kept asking me, do you notice this? It was just like this checklist of ADHD, and I was like, ‘Yep, yep, that's me. That's me.’ And I saw him a couple of times to finish the assessment, and I ended up with a diagnosis.

But because 20 some odd years ago, there was still this idea that these are not academically strong students, that you grow out of it. I said, Oh, well, that's interesting, and I didn't pay any attention to it at all, because at university I was a much stronger student. So at university I was a strong student because I was studying what I enjoyed, so my motivation levels are high.

And because I was a strong student, and I was beginning adulthood, it wasn't relevant. It wasn't until my son became diagnosed with the whole, you know, everything you brought up before about schooling was his experience. And that's what motivated me to get into this field. As I started learning more about him, I started learning more about myself.

So it was like this re-diagnosis that I say, because I reconnected with that diagnosis through him. And I began to see, wait, this isn't something that you outgrow. And it's not just hyperactivity and distraction. So yes, absolutely.

And really, lots of things began to click. And lots of things kind of angered me a little bit because I thought, had I known this 20 years earlier, how much easier, how much more sense things could have made, or how much more informed decisions could I have made?

ADHD: What is it?

Ariadne provides a comprehensive understanding of ADHD that goes beyond the commonly known symptom of attention deficit, highlighting its multi-dimensional nature.

Understanding ADHD

Nick: I mean, look, you do have real talent. And obviously, academically, you did well. And you're doing all these different things now; you're living away from your home country. And that has lots of challenges, which we'll touch on.

But I guess maybe some of our listeners are saying, well, how is all this related to ikigai? And so we're going to talk about how this having ADHD changed your life and led to intercultural and inclusion work, and how ikigai has supported the work you do.

But I think we should start off with a clear understanding of what ADHD is. If you're asked that question, what's the answer you generally offer?

Ariadne: Yeah, ADHD is a type of neurodivergence. So meaning just different ways of interacting in the world of processing, but at this level, so it's basically a delay in development of the prefrontal cortex of the brain.

So if you think that the brain begins to develop here, you know, just like the more basic part of the brain at the base, and then the prefrontal cortex, it's the last little bit to develop. So for most people, it develops in the mid 20s. And this is the part that is in charge of our executive functions.

It's the CEO of the brain, the command center of the brain that's in charge of decision making, task initiation — all of these things that kind of constitute a mature decision maker, somebody who can make wise decisions and make good decisions, impulse control, et cetera.

So this is the part that develops last. But in most folks with ADHD, there's a delay, and a delay could be upwards of three years. So it's a type of neurodivergence, and alongside others, and others, that many people have probably heard of: autism spectrum disorder, or dyslexia, dyscalculia, dyspraxia, etc. So it's one of those.

And then ADHD, people used to maybe familiar with ADD, but now we refer to it as ADHD, but with different types of presentation. So there's the attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder; so there's the hyperactive presentation, then there is an inattentive presentation, so people are kind of like, ‘Oh, where did I leave my keys?’ Or everyday ‘Where are my sunglasses?’, ‘Where's my phone?’, ‘Where's my keys?’

And then there's the combination, which is what I have, that is the hyperactivity and the inattention. There are some experts in the field who don't like the name Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, because it's not really a deficit of attention, it's a dysregulation of attention. So if something does not motivate you at all, it's like, don't even talk to me about it.

Our working memory is very slow. I could go into a shop and I could say, ‘How do I get to this section?’ And if they give me a step, that's more than two steps long, I look to my point, I'm like, I hope you got that. Because I got the upstairs to the right, and everything else is like Charlie Brown teacher speak.

See, I don't even know where I was going with this. But anyway, if I'm passionate about something, I could get lost in this rabbit hole of attention where nothing else exists around me, but that absolutely motivates me. So it's not a deficit of attention, it's a dysregulation of attention. So it's either too little or too much depending on motivation, etc.

So yeah, and the reason I talk about TikTok is that it's not just, because I mean, especially now with smartphones, and with just all of this stimulation, all this information, our attention spans have gotten shorter and shorter. So we all have this kind of, whoa, what's going on out here?

But ADHD is a lot more. It's not just that. There's a lot more that comes along with it, that's a whole podcast in of itself as well. But yes, it's not just the attention bit or the hyperactivity bit. There's a lot more there, too.

Discovering Three Types of Connection

Ariadne’s experience of living away from her homeland has led her to discover three distinct types of connections: oneself, family, and community. In the video, she provides an in-depth explanation of the three types of connections..

Three levels of connection

Nick: During that time of living away — away from your family and your native culture, you discovered the importance of connection. So would you like to touch on that, and the types of connection you identified?

Ariadne: Absolutely. Again, a lot of this happened once I formed my own family here. So my partner is not from Spain, either, he's from a different country. So we're here alone, we're here without any kind of family support.

And one thing that you notice, and I imagined, Nick, that you must have gone through something similar, that when you try to make friends, like good friends, in a new place, you realize it's not as easy as it was maybe when you were younger, because these are folks who probably already have their own long standing friendships, and they really don't need to form any new ones.

So if you're fortunate enough to have them say, ‘You know what, I'm going to invest in creating a new relationship with you’, then that's great, but it's not a given. So you're the one who's really trying to make that work. And that became increasingly more relevant for me when I had my son and he started going through issues at school, and we were starting to suspect the diagnosis.

And we weren't sure what was going on at the time. Like I mentioned, I started exploring my own diagnosis. And I thought, wow, there's a lot going on here. You're away from people that were with you growing up. So even though, in my case, I never really felt fully confident in those relationships because I was really self conscious, my own insecurities, because of the ADHD that I wasn't aware of where I felt very different.

And I felt very lacking in a lot of ways. But still, these were folks that despite what I perceived to be my faults and weaknesses, accepted me and loved me, and were part of my tribe, right? So these are folks that I grew up with. And these are folks that love me and understand me.

And I didn't realize how important that was until I was away from them. And then I was here, suffering from just life, right? Just things that were, you know, just things that were happening: who do I rely on? Who do I turn to? What am I doing? What's happening? I feel alone, I feel inadequate, how do I help my kid? How do I help my partner? How do we help each other and then stay strong as a family unit?

So we were talking about the different ways of connection, I realized, number one, the importance of, there's this connection with your larger community, right? There's this connection with, I'm somewhere new, where am I? How do I fit in here? What can I give to this community? So what can be like that synergy?

So what can I offer to them? I'm aware of what they can offer me because that's why I'm here. But what can I give in return, so I feel like there's this even equal relationship. So I feel like there's a synergy going on.

Then there's also the your smaller community, right? The people that you're interacting with the most, in this interpersonal level. This connection with others, especially in my case with my family. So not only the family that I've created here, but my family back at home, because like you said, once you go abroad, nothing is ever the same.

You're not the same person you were when you first got on that plane, or that ship or wherever — you're not that same person anymore. So what kind of relationship? Because now the relationship you have with your family of origin, it's totally voluntary, totally voluntary on both sides.

Because they're so far away, if you want to cut ties, you can because there's no dependents, really, unless you choose there to be a relationship, there's no need for that. So how am I creating that relationship. And in my case, I found that I really needed that emotional support, I really needed that acceptance, that support, that I'm just here to listen, come and cry to me or bounce ideas off me.

So that became especially important. And in that connection with myself, that self acceptance, that reconnecting, in my case, with my diagnosis, reconnecting with what that means for me. And then, you know, just with everything that had happened to me, just since moving here, and even just from the most dramatic and unexpected to just like the most day-to-day things.

All of those played a role in shaping the person that I am; in shaping how I see things, how I perceive things. And how do I make peace with that person? How do I reconcile with that person? And how do I enjoy that person? So it's those three levels of connection with myself, with my family, and with my greater community.

Living with ADHD: Finding a Place Where You Can Be Yourself

Ariadne candidly shares her personal struggles with being misunderstood due to her ADHD, and describes how she was able to overcome these challenges by finding a supportive community that not only understands her condition but also accepts her for who she is.

Navigating a sense of belonging with ADHD

Nick: And then this ties into another theory, a sub-theory of ikigai which is ibasho. And actually, I'd say ibasho is these three levels of ikigai, especially the interpersonal and community.

And so if we look at ibasho, the elements of ibasho can be threefold: a comfortable space, reliable social relationships, and a positive belief in the near future. And this made me think, if you do have ADHD, is it hard to find an ibasho?

Ariadne: Yeah, I think of all the things that I learned with you, and there were a lot, the one that was the most impactful for me was the concept of ibasho. Because of all these things that we mentioned before, and because of those three levels of ikigai, the three spheres of connection, so to speak.

Because for it to be really meaningful, you've got to be really vulnerable. I mean, cuz that's what an ibasho is, isn't it? I mean, it's a place where you can be yourself, your true self. So it really makes, I mean, an essential ingredient is that vulnerability, and that's really scary. That's really scary. For anybody, I think.

But talking about ADHD, number one, lots of us are undiagnosed. And that makes it really difficult. Because I know a lot of the insecurities that I've dealt with in my life have had to do with it. You mentioned it in the intro, I talked so much, I had this people think I only care about myself from ego-centric, because I talk all the time, I have a hard time looking people in the eye, there's something I've had to train myself to do.

People think I'm not listening, but I am. And because I have really slow working memory or really poor working memory, I don't remember the last thing that they said, or I don't remember all the details. I really do care. And I'm also very intense, this intensity, where you know, I just feel things on a very intense level: either really excited or really, you know, it's like, there's very little flat effect, right?

So all of these things taken out of context, it's easy to imagine that you will be poorly accepted by people: well, I don't want to go with this person, she only talks about herself, or she doesn't listen when I talked to her, or she's always all over the place.

So getting the diagnosis and an accurate diagnosis from a professional, which I am not one to diagnose it, you know, a licensed health professional that specializes in ADHD — getting a proper diagnosis is so important. Because that's that first step. So that first ibasho, that first community has to be yourself.

It has to be okay, this is me, this is who I am, this is why I am this is how I am. These are the things that impact me negatively about this and the ones that I want to work on. And these are just part of me. And you know what, I come this is part of my package, take me or leave me.

And the people who choose to take you then you know, this is my ibasho. And thanks to this process of reconnection with my diagnosis, with the work that I do, with work with you, I have begun to find ibasho and identify ibasho that has really made my life so much richer. And our ikigai tribe is one of them that I'm so grateful for, I'm so thankful for.

And it's funny, I have this small group of intercultural lists and inclusion specialists who've also been diagnosed with ADHD, and were also living in countries other than their, own than their country of origin. So we've got so many things in common that we've learned to support one another.

So, yeah, it's hard. It is hard for anybody, when I think especially you don't really understand yourself, and if you don't understand what makes you tick. And if you're not willing to be vulnerable with that, then you're not really going to find it. Because how are you going to find who accepts you if you don't really know who you are, and what it is that they need to accept, and that you need to accept more importantly. So yeah, a long answer to a short question.

Nick: No, that's fine. And I was gonna say, I'll always take you, you're a different, and I mean, I just have this idea that you're just enthusiastic, and it's great every time we have catch up calls, you are enthusiastic. But I've always noticed that you patiently wait, you let other people talk. You never talk over anyone. So I think you're wonderful.

Ikigai and ADHD: Having Dopamine-Releasing Activities

Ariadne shares that for individuals with ADHD, one way to help with ikigai is by incorporating activities that increase the release of dopamine. These dopamine-releasing activities can provide individuals with ADHD with a sense of accomplishment and enjoyment.

Finding ikigai in dopamine-releasing activities

Nick: But when we did the program, I had this one vivid memory. I was sharing some of Ken Mogi’s wisdom, and he basically said with ikigai, it's something you feel and he was sort of backing it up with many of these things, these sources, if they’re activity based, they released dopamine.

And he said, make your daily routine of dopamine releasing activities. You may have this daily routine of dopamine releasing activities, that essentially just your sources of ikigai. And I stopped talking about it and asked ‘Ariadne what do you think of this?’ And you're like, ‘I'm blown away’, your eyes lit up, and you're like, ‘this is amazing!’ Why was that so powerful for you?

Ariadne: Well, it was powerful on a professional and on a personal level, because ADHD is all about all about looking for that dopamine rush, right? Like, what is it, what's going to release dopamine for us? And it's like that dysregulation.

So hearing him talk about the relationship between ikigai and dopamine, you know, that dopamine was really revelatory, especially in relation to ADHD, and also on a personal level. Because even though I've lived in Spain for 20 years, and everybody thinks of Paris, because Spain doesn't do a good job of marketing, but it's the same kind of like sidewalk cafe life.

And I never drink coffee, I never partook in that lifestyle. And then when I began to work from home, like once we started getting life a little bit back to normal, the new normal as it was called, then, I would drop my kids off from school, and because I was working from home, I have a little sidewalk cafe, right downstairs from my building. And I thought I want to go I was so tired of being in my apartment all the time, that I thought I'm just going to enjoy a cup of coffee, and my toasts with tomato.

And just as something to try out, and that became my ikigai to the point where we have our coaching calls, you often see me with my coffee, and my toast with tomato. Because it was this discovery for me of something so simple, that gave me that time to connect with myself. The caffeine in the coffee was also very good for my ADHD and helping me with my focus, and everything.

But yeah, so it was just hearing him say that resonated on so many levels, especially because he mentioned like that coffee in the morning, which I thought was really interesting, too. Talking about that that little spike in dopamine, talking about just finding those small moments, which is like one of his pillars, right, is that that's starting small and just the joy of little things.

And I thought wow, it all made sense especially because it wasn't just words that you were sharing with me, it was something that I was living and that I had just recently discovered. So it was really powerful.

Nick: I'll never forget your reaction it was priceless.

For the full podcast episode, go to: Ikigai and ADHD with Dr. Ariadne Ferro